I Am the Worst of Judgers

During my undergrad, I took a couple of public speaking classes.  I learned that people are uncomfortable with silence.  To fill this silence, people have an "ism" word that they use to fill a pause.  I say "like." Kind of like a lot.  Some of my um classmates um said "um" kinda um frequently.  My professor told us this was a subconscious habit but we had to consciously train ourselves not to use our ism word.  Instead, learn to pause and be quiet. We worked on this skill for the duration of the semester.  We would count in one another's speeches how often we used our ism.  It was amazing how drastically the quality of our speech improved as the frequent use of our ism word decreased.  Our message was clearer, our presentation more professional and our grades were higher.  

I've since realized that I have "ism thoughts."  Just how "like" cramped the delivery of my speeches, needless and unhelpful thought habits are prohibitively distracting  

A few months ago, I decided I was going to stop saying "I'm so tired."  This phrase pops into my head and comes out of my mouth as frequently and effortlessly as flicking on my blinker before I turn.  I was actually making myself more tired.  I was not stating a fact but rather filling a time gap.  It would be more productive of me to be silent in my thoughts.  There's nothing wrong with silence.  

What got me thinking today about this is a significantly more serious thought ism.

While studying in Barnes and Noble, a young walked by me in skinny jeans.  Without even thinking what popped into my head was "He's way to skinny.  Boys shouldn't look like that. Was he really a boy?"  

Wow!  There is my heart exposed.  So much for all of my talk about gender equality.  

I didn't know how often I said "like" until my professor told me after my first speech.  I can beat myself up for thinking automatic judgment, or I can be thankful for an opportunity to examine an ism.  I realized this automatic thought revealed habit of thinking that dates back to my Jr. High years if not before.  I do not want to think judgmentally about another person.  And I really don’t believe that men should look one way and girls should look another.  

In the Bible, Paul, the most prominent New Testament writer, says that he is the worst of sinners (1 Timothy 1:15).  I can echo Paul in saying that I am the most judgmental of people.  My desire to work within gender identity circles is not a result of being perfectly nonjudgmental but rather is knowledge that I need to learn equality just as much as (if not more than) anyone else.