Expert Advice (a.k.a. "How Not to Cook a Turkey")

I cooked Thanksgiving dinner one time.  You know how little kids play dress up?  Their princess dresses and knight outfits are very obviously pretend. Even they know they are playing "make believe."  Me cooking Thanksgiving dinner falls into this same category of pretending.  I was pretending to be grown-up.  The catch is that I never would have confessed to this being part of a make-believe fantasy. I was 19, dammit.  That is grown-up!

I started my adventure by grocery shopping.  On the same day as our dinner.  I bought a 5 lbs turkey (there weren't very many people) and canned vegetables, boxed potatoes, and jarred gravy.  (I also bought fresh heavy whipping cream and vanilla extract and borrowed a friend's electric beater.  In my book, veggies can last in a can for years but whipped cream's gotta be done right.)

When I got home, I called my mom.  That's an important part of grown-up cooking. She said, "WHAT! you bought a FROZEN turkey and you're eating in 5 hours!"

oops.

Coming to the rescue (what moms do best), she walked me through a several-hour mission which I fondly remember as "Operation Save Thanksgiving" or perhaps, "cook that turkey, dammit!" Except without the dammit because she doesn't ever say bad words.

First she had me defrost it in the microwave.  But she forgot to tell me to take the store wrapping off first.  Thankfully, my roommate's boyfriend walked into the kitchen right as I was sticking the whole thing (plastic, netting, metal ring) into the microwave.  While balancing the phone on my shoulder, holding the turkey in a bowl on one hip and opening the microwave with my free hand, I explained to him that I did not need to unwrap it because my mom was telling me what to do and if it needed to be unwrapped before it defrosted she would have told me.  Overhearing this, she bellowed into the phone, "WHAT????!!! IT'S NOT UNWRAPPED?" Apparently, she thought this was self-explanitory.  Kudos to the boyfriend for assisting in "Operation Save Thanksgiving."

After we got it defrosted, she walked me through cooking it in under 3 hours.  A friend asked me later if I thought it turned out dry.  I'm sure it was a little bit (or a lot).  But none of us noticed.  In between the microwaved green beans and instant mashed potatoes, a fresh-cooked turkey seemed extravagant.

By the way, the whipped cream turned out great.  I ran out of space in the kitchen so I made it in the bathroom.  That's what grown-ups do, right?